Just look at them and sigh...and know they love you

Yeah, so I like to title blogs by using song lyrics. I can't be all creativity all the time.

I was thinking today about how this "having a teenager" thing (I have no idea why I put that in quotations) is sort of a dichotomy. There are some really really awful parts such as:

"I didn't hear you, jeez!" In response to me calling up to him when he's in his room. You mean I have to get off my tuchas and go upstairs when I want to talk to him? Or when I want him to come downstairs? Or when I want him to do some random chore like come take the dogs outside because I'm too lazy to get off said tuchas? Getting up to go get him really defeats the purpose of yelling lazily in the first place. But seriously, come on, I know he can hear me. He just has that obnoxious teenage hearing problem where mom's voice frequency miraculously becomes inaudible. Each time I have to call up without getting a response, my irritation increases and the liklihood that I will A) assign him another random chore out of pure spite, or B)subject him to a "when I was your age, I always answered my mom; heck, I came out and said 'yes mom?' before she even finished thinking about calling me," lecture increases astronomically. And yet, he continues to ignore me. Sadly for him, he's not good at it, because when he finally does answer, he says things like, "I didn't hear you call me the other 4 times." Mmm-hmm...then how'd you know it was 4 times, smartie? Busted! Now go vacuum mommy's room! And when you're done, I'd like some bon-bons! (oooh...do they still make those? The ice cream ones?)
"I don't know, jeez!" This little gem is an answer to basically any question I have for Mr. Smartie Pants. "Why didn't you wash your soccer socks last night when you knew you had practice today?" Begets: "I don't know, jeez!" And yes, I do make my son do his own laundry for the most part. He will be an extremely good catch someday, ladies. He can do laundry, cook, vacuum, and occassionally speak in sentences without using the word "jeez!" He's also pretty good at loading the dishwasher the right way. Yes, there is a "right way." For reals. Anyway, I digress. "Greg, where is your homework?" "I don't know, jeez!" "Hey kiddo, how was your weekend at your dad's?" "I don't know, jeez!" "Why is your hair dry when you just got out of the shower?" "I don't know, jeez!" Ok, in all honesty, that one is more like: "I don't know, jeez, I guess it just dries fast, mom, gosh!" Which brings me to:
Why do teenagers go through a dirty phase? He will run the shower without actually stepping into the shower, he'll come out with dry hair, he'll insist he doesn't need to shower when covered head to toe in dirt, and I don't know when the last time was that he trimmed his fingernails, let alone cleaned underneath them. The other day he got a nasty scrape on his hand, and when I asked if he cleaned it off he said yes. I asked him to show me (which got a beautiful episode of eye-rolling and sighing), and sure enough, he had clearly washed the area around the scrape. The rest of his palm, though? Still covered in dirt. Wouldn't it be easier to wash the whole hand rather than painstakingly focus on one little area? Guess what his answer was to "Why didn't you just wash your whole hand?" Yep, you got it! "I don't know, jeez!" And about those nasty fingernails...why doesn't he clip 'em or clean 'em? Well, because:
"I didn't see it, jeez!" of course! When pretending not to hear your mom doesn't work, go with denying knowledge of whatever issue is brought up. "Greg, why did you step over the giant hairball rather than just cleaning it up?" "I didn't see it, jeez!" "Honey, why are your nails longer than mine?" "I didn't see them, jeez!" "You...ummm....didn't see your own nails?" "I don't sit around looking at my hands, mom!" (eye-roll, eye-roll, tortured sigh) Teenagers have the uncanny ability to unsee anything they didn't want to see in the first place. I appreciate this when the things he sees are things I'd prefer he didn't; ie: me in the shower (Yikes! Poor kid!), snippets of movies far too gorey for him, or the inappropriately low-cut top I wore that one time...ok, several times. Sadly, he doesn't seem to realize that "not seeing" things works against him in the long run. Like I'm going to let a kid who can't see his own fingernails get a driver's permit in 1.5 years? Ha! Not unless your eyesight improves, my darling boy.

I realize I did say "dichotomy," so here's the good stuff:

Teenagers can stay home alone sometimes! When I just want to run to the grocery store or I'm going to meet a friend for lunch, I no longer have to find a babysitter or drag him along to feign interest in what my friends and I talk about/what kind of detergent I'm buying this time. This summer when I'm working, he's been able to spend some of those days at home (doing things like vacuuming, fake showering, and nail-ignoring) without me. I leave him loving notes full of chores, and when I come home they are actually done because he for some reason believes I really can monitor how much time he spent on video games and movies. Muuuaaaahahahaha! I realize I sound like my child is my slave, but he's not...I do some stuff for myself. Really! And come on, I have taken care of this child since he was 2 1/2 years old and he wasn't potty trained until he was almost four. Those diapers were no laughing matter. I earned this. ;)
Teenagers raised by me grasp sarcasm. This is fun for me, on so many levels. I can tell him jokes that he actually gets. I can threaten great bodily harm (such as: "I will punch you in the face!") without fear that he will report me to CPS, 'cause come on, I'm kidding. Clearly punching should be done in a waaaay less visible place, duh! I can converse with him (when he's saying more than things that end in "jeez") in a quite grown-up way most of the time. He's darn funny, and again future girlfriends/future wife: you're welcome. :)
He's going to be very helpful if I marry someone with kids/have kids of my own. He's super with younger kids most of the time, and he's more responsible when helping watch them than he is when just watching himself. He also really loves animals and is great with them.
Teenagers occasionally "cook" meals for their mom. True, these meals usually involve simple concoctions like: bread, tuna, mayo; but it's much appreciated. He also loves to cook with me. It's really fun to be able to prepare meals with him and not have to worry (as much) about him burning or cutting himself. We have fun together in the kitchen, especially when you throw in some music. Speaking of music:
He is starting to appreciate the music of my youth. True, I usually discover this by him making comments such as "wow, Green Day was around when you were a teenager, mom? How old are they?!?" But still...it's nice.
I love him. Yeah he drives me bonkers a lot of the time. Sometimes I wish he'd go anywhere other than where I can see/hear/smell him for awhile. But I love him like nothing else. I'd jump in front of a bus for him (but really, what would that accomplish?), I'd sacrifice any and everything for his well-being. I love him more each day even as things get more and more challenging. I am proud of him even when he screws up, and I see a heart in this kid that I know will make a positive difference in the world someday. I miss him when he's gone...which brings me to:
In just 5 years he'll move out! Self-explanatory. Don't gasp in horror, all you other parents out there. Those of you with teenagers (and probably also those of you who remember being teenagers) know what I'm talking about. I want to protect him and hold him close forever...but at the same time, I can't wait for him to get out there and make it on his own! Why do you think I own a house that has no basement? ;)