...to rip me apart.
Yes it's that time again folks, time for blogs that are titled with song lyrics. This can mean good things or bad. In this case, much like the song I'm quoting, it's both good and bad. My heart hurts right now; I'm so incredibly sad...at the same time a part of me smiles because for awhile I was so incredibly happy.
I know I’ve been MIA on blogger for the last 10 months. Basically, this coincides with the time I started at my new job. At Prompt Care, we worked 12 hour shifts, and on our down time (and with 12 hour shifts, there was down time!) we were able to do whatever, basically…and I chose to blog. At my current job, being on the internet is frowned upon (frowned upon/forbidden, potayto/potahto), and the last thing I want to do when I get home at night is sit in front of a computer screen again. So I apologize, my loyal followers, and as a reward for your patience, today you get a treat: a rambling, down-in-the-dumps blog. You can thank me later.
I've been holding something pretty close to the vest these last couple of months. I kept it to myself because I didn't want to jinx anything, and I didn't want to get people excited for me when it was destined to end sooner rather than later. “Destined to end?” Could I be any more melodramatic? Well, probably I could, but I don’t mean it that way so I won't. It’s just that we had this “arrangement,” we had an “agreement,” about what this was, as he is leaving in a couple of weeks for quite some time. I was expecting an end of some sort…but not the one I got.
I met a man who I shall call Paul. The reason isn't important, and though apparently Paul and Jessica (should I have a code name too?) are not to be, I kind of like that we have inside jokes...things that will always be just ours...so I won't elaborate. I met Paul in a fashion that, though not the ideal circumstances, made for a pretty cute story had things ever gone anywhere. The chemistry was instant...I thought. Well, let me preface the entire remaining story with this: I believed in this man's sincerity and in the mutuality of our feelings towards each other. Recent events have made me feel that perhaps I was deluding myself or allowing him to fool me, or more likely some combination of the two, but I'll report this story as I FELT it was, without censoring my thoughts and feelings and without, for the most part, second-guessing what he said. It's possible it was all a game...I choose to believe it wasn't. I have to believe that.
So anyway, we met and the attraction was instant. I am fairly certain I stared at him with my mouth hanging open (though sans drool, I swear), and I distinctly recall him literally stopping in his tracks. We hit it off...we sparked. It was nice, but as he was there to meet up with someone else; it was not going anywhere…or so I told myself, and I'm sure he did as well. Paul went so far as to set me up with a coworker of his. I went so far as to listen to a friend tell me all about Paul, all the while wondering...what happened? Was I imagining the tension? Was this really how it was going to be, me listening and giving advice to someone about a man who literally gave me goose bumps? We were in touch, nothing untoward, and nothing hidden. But I'd be lying if I didn't admit that seeing his name on my phone made my heart beat faster and my stomach flip-flop. Still does, even just thinking about him. Even now.
Things changed in his situation, and soon he started...I guess "pursuing" me would be the right term. He was gone for the first 5 weeks we "got to know" each other, so it was mostly via email with occasional phone calls/texts. What started out as physical attraction quickly became, apparently mutually, more than that. He is quite literally the first and only man who has ever made me laugh until I cried. He is the only man who has ever kept up with me intellectually and humor-wise, and even challenged me in those areas. Other than that, it's hard to pinpoint reasons; it just felt right to me. It was so fun and exciting, and so scary at the same time. You all know I have feelings (stop laughing)...I care, I get invested, I hurt like anyone else. Most men I have dated in recent years don't know that about me, or at least not too deeply. I protect myself, I have the proverbial "wall" up, at least outwardly, though inside I have let a few people into my heart who never knew they were even close to touching it. I felt for Paul...I fell for him...I'm still down, still fallen, I admit it. Head over heels, though not a phrase you'll often hear me utter, is what I was...not "head over heels in love," as love is a very strong word I won't apply to anyone until a long time has passed...but head over heels in that it was a knock-out type feeling. Maybe "heart over head" would be more accurate.
I doubted he felt the same; I dismissed it when he would express any feelings aside from, "I think you're hot," or other such safe things. I fought my feelings, I convinced myself they didn't matter, and I was sure his feelings didn't even exist. It'd be too scary if they did...because the timing wasn't perfect (and Lord knows, great things only ever present themselves when the timing is just right)...and for a million other reasons that were both ridiculous and legitimate at the same time.
About a week or so ago I stopped fighting myself. I decided to let it ride...I made a conscious decision to trust. Despite some very red flags that suggested I shouldn't, despite my own insecurities which would soon rear their ugly heads, I chose to trust Paul. I chose to open up and admit to actual (gasp) feelings. He'd been saying feeling-y things for awhile at this point...I thought if I didn't start admitting I reciprocated, I could lose a man I adored. At the same time, I feared that admitting my feelings would ruin everything. Maybe he was only interested in the chase. Maybe it was all a game. Maybe the earth would swallow me up or I'd explode into millions of little pieces. Maybe maybe maybe. Heck, at this point, maybe he's somewhere laughing right now over what a gullible, naive little twit I was/am. I decided enough with the fears...because maybe this was a good man, maybe this was someone I didn't want to chase away with my stoicism. I jumped. Sadly, no one caught me and I hit the ground. Hard.
The moment I admitted my feelings, which were actually quite harmless (there was no profession of love, no desperate need to define our status), something changed. Maybe it only changed inside of me and I caused it to change "us" too. Or maybe it changed inside of him, and that led to my behavior changing as well. Regardless of how, regardless of whether it was my perception or reality, it was downhill from there. This weekend he did something to me that no man has ever done before, and I hope from the bottom of my stupid wounded heart that no one ever does to me again: he stood me up…and I haven't heard from him since…and it HURTS. Oh my GOD, I want to pretend I don't care, that he has no effect on me, that I’ve brushed it off and I’m fine, nobigdealimastrongindependentwomananditshisloss. But I'm admitting it here: I ache.
I'm a fool, a coward, everything you can think of to say, I am. Why? Ummm...have you been paying attention? But mostly because: I miss Paul. Did I really know Paul? At this point, I have to ask myself that question, because the Paul I thought I knew would have ended things rather than stand me up and purposefully hurt me. The Paul I knew wanted to communicate, so surely he'd have told me to my face what was going on. The Paul I knew cared about me and wouldn't want to cause me pain when I hadn't wronged him in any way. So maybe Paul doesn't exist...maybe Paul really is just a fictional character. Regardless, I miss him. I would give just about anything to have a chance to set things right, even if the end result was the same.
I'm ok! I am a strong woman, I am an independent woman, it is his loss (though mine, too), I am going to get over this and move on…and probably screw up in some future relationships…and probably date some men who will screw up too…probably date some great guys and some dirt bags. Eventually I'll meet someone who seems great enough that I'll decide to trust again. There’s no rush, for the most part I'm happy being on my own. Maybe next time he'll hold me in the high regard in which I hold him. Maybe he'll love me (eventually) just as I am...in my strong, confident, most awesome moments, and in my less frequent weak, worried, and needy times. Maybe he'll realize I'm worth it, because you know what? I TOTALLY am.
Eventually I'll ache less. Eventually I'll stop regretting my "mistakes," because really...is it a mistake to be open, to admit: “Hey Paul, I LIKE you, A LOT. You MATTER to me. I'd like to spend more time with you because when I'm around you, I'm happier than I've been in a long, LONG time. I feel more like ME when I'm with you than I do/have with any other man. I think you're special. I think you are amazing (that word was for you, Jenn). I think you are beautiful, and because a lot of that comes from who you seemed to be inside, I'd think you were beautiful no matter what your physical appearance is (although, admittedly, I don't think anyone would argue with your exterior beauty as well)." So no, I don't think it was a mistake...I'm glad I allowed myself to feel in a way I haven't in quite some time, and I'm glad I allowed myself to tell him that I felt...something I didn't do with the last man who mattered to me.
Ultimately, I guess I figured if/when things ended, it'd be on good terms. I was certain we'd part friendly, though not as friends, because come on...does that ever work? I'm both entirely shocked and entirely unsurprised. I'll bet you never knew it was possible to be both at the same time...well, it is. I made a choice to trust when I knew I was probably being foolish. I'd do it again in a heartbeat. Probably even for him. What does this say about me?
Yes it's that time again folks, time for blogs that are titled with song lyrics. This can mean good things or bad. In this case, much like the song I'm quoting, it's both good and bad. My heart hurts right now; I'm so incredibly sad...at the same time a part of me smiles because for awhile I was so incredibly happy.
I know I’ve been MIA on blogger for the last 10 months. Basically, this coincides with the time I started at my new job. At Prompt Care, we worked 12 hour shifts, and on our down time (and with 12 hour shifts, there was down time!) we were able to do whatever, basically…and I chose to blog. At my current job, being on the internet is frowned upon (frowned upon/forbidden, potayto/potahto), and the last thing I want to do when I get home at night is sit in front of a computer screen again. So I apologize, my loyal followers, and as a reward for your patience, today you get a treat: a rambling, down-in-the-dumps blog. You can thank me later.
I've been holding something pretty close to the vest these last couple of months. I kept it to myself because I didn't want to jinx anything, and I didn't want to get people excited for me when it was destined to end sooner rather than later. “Destined to end?” Could I be any more melodramatic? Well, probably I could, but I don’t mean it that way so I won't. It’s just that we had this “arrangement,” we had an “agreement,” about what this was, as he is leaving in a couple of weeks for quite some time. I was expecting an end of some sort…but not the one I got.
I met a man who I shall call Paul. The reason isn't important, and though apparently Paul and Jessica (should I have a code name too?) are not to be, I kind of like that we have inside jokes...things that will always be just ours...so I won't elaborate. I met Paul in a fashion that, though not the ideal circumstances, made for a pretty cute story had things ever gone anywhere. The chemistry was instant...I thought. Well, let me preface the entire remaining story with this: I believed in this man's sincerity and in the mutuality of our feelings towards each other. Recent events have made me feel that perhaps I was deluding myself or allowing him to fool me, or more likely some combination of the two, but I'll report this story as I FELT it was, without censoring my thoughts and feelings and without, for the most part, second-guessing what he said. It's possible it was all a game...I choose to believe it wasn't. I have to believe that.
So anyway, we met and the attraction was instant. I am fairly certain I stared at him with my mouth hanging open (though sans drool, I swear), and I distinctly recall him literally stopping in his tracks. We hit it off...we sparked. It was nice, but as he was there to meet up with someone else; it was not going anywhere…or so I told myself, and I'm sure he did as well. Paul went so far as to set me up with a coworker of his. I went so far as to listen to a friend tell me all about Paul, all the while wondering...what happened? Was I imagining the tension? Was this really how it was going to be, me listening and giving advice to someone about a man who literally gave me goose bumps? We were in touch, nothing untoward, and nothing hidden. But I'd be lying if I didn't admit that seeing his name on my phone made my heart beat faster and my stomach flip-flop. Still does, even just thinking about him. Even now.
Things changed in his situation, and soon he started...I guess "pursuing" me would be the right term. He was gone for the first 5 weeks we "got to know" each other, so it was mostly via email with occasional phone calls/texts. What started out as physical attraction quickly became, apparently mutually, more than that. He is quite literally the first and only man who has ever made me laugh until I cried. He is the only man who has ever kept up with me intellectually and humor-wise, and even challenged me in those areas. Other than that, it's hard to pinpoint reasons; it just felt right to me. It was so fun and exciting, and so scary at the same time. You all know I have feelings (stop laughing)...I care, I get invested, I hurt like anyone else. Most men I have dated in recent years don't know that about me, or at least not too deeply. I protect myself, I have the proverbial "wall" up, at least outwardly, though inside I have let a few people into my heart who never knew they were even close to touching it. I felt for Paul...I fell for him...I'm still down, still fallen, I admit it. Head over heels, though not a phrase you'll often hear me utter, is what I was...not "head over heels in love," as love is a very strong word I won't apply to anyone until a long time has passed...but head over heels in that it was a knock-out type feeling. Maybe "heart over head" would be more accurate.
I doubted he felt the same; I dismissed it when he would express any feelings aside from, "I think you're hot," or other such safe things. I fought my feelings, I convinced myself they didn't matter, and I was sure his feelings didn't even exist. It'd be too scary if they did...because the timing wasn't perfect (and Lord knows, great things only ever present themselves when the timing is just right)...and for a million other reasons that were both ridiculous and legitimate at the same time.
About a week or so ago I stopped fighting myself. I decided to let it ride...I made a conscious decision to trust. Despite some very red flags that suggested I shouldn't, despite my own insecurities which would soon rear their ugly heads, I chose to trust Paul. I chose to open up and admit to actual (gasp) feelings. He'd been saying feeling-y things for awhile at this point...I thought if I didn't start admitting I reciprocated, I could lose a man I adored. At the same time, I feared that admitting my feelings would ruin everything. Maybe he was only interested in the chase. Maybe it was all a game. Maybe the earth would swallow me up or I'd explode into millions of little pieces. Maybe maybe maybe. Heck, at this point, maybe he's somewhere laughing right now over what a gullible, naive little twit I was/am. I decided enough with the fears...because maybe this was a good man, maybe this was someone I didn't want to chase away with my stoicism. I jumped. Sadly, no one caught me and I hit the ground. Hard.
The moment I admitted my feelings, which were actually quite harmless (there was no profession of love, no desperate need to define our status), something changed. Maybe it only changed inside of me and I caused it to change "us" too. Or maybe it changed inside of him, and that led to my behavior changing as well. Regardless of how, regardless of whether it was my perception or reality, it was downhill from there. This weekend he did something to me that no man has ever done before, and I hope from the bottom of my stupid wounded heart that no one ever does to me again: he stood me up…and I haven't heard from him since…and it HURTS. Oh my GOD, I want to pretend I don't care, that he has no effect on me, that I’ve brushed it off and I’m fine, nobigdealimastrongindependentwomananditshisloss. But I'm admitting it here: I ache.
I'm a fool, a coward, everything you can think of to say, I am. Why? Ummm...have you been paying attention? But mostly because: I miss Paul. Did I really know Paul? At this point, I have to ask myself that question, because the Paul I thought I knew would have ended things rather than stand me up and purposefully hurt me. The Paul I knew wanted to communicate, so surely he'd have told me to my face what was going on. The Paul I knew cared about me and wouldn't want to cause me pain when I hadn't wronged him in any way. So maybe Paul doesn't exist...maybe Paul really is just a fictional character. Regardless, I miss him. I would give just about anything to have a chance to set things right, even if the end result was the same.
I'm ok! I am a strong woman, I am an independent woman, it is his loss (though mine, too), I am going to get over this and move on…and probably screw up in some future relationships…and probably date some men who will screw up too…probably date some great guys and some dirt bags. Eventually I'll meet someone who seems great enough that I'll decide to trust again. There’s no rush, for the most part I'm happy being on my own. Maybe next time he'll hold me in the high regard in which I hold him. Maybe he'll love me (eventually) just as I am...in my strong, confident, most awesome moments, and in my less frequent weak, worried, and needy times. Maybe he'll realize I'm worth it, because you know what? I TOTALLY am.
Eventually I'll ache less. Eventually I'll stop regretting my "mistakes," because really...is it a mistake to be open, to admit: “Hey Paul, I LIKE you, A LOT. You MATTER to me. I'd like to spend more time with you because when I'm around you, I'm happier than I've been in a long, LONG time. I feel more like ME when I'm with you than I do/have with any other man. I think you're special. I think you are amazing (that word was for you, Jenn). I think you are beautiful, and because a lot of that comes from who you seemed to be inside, I'd think you were beautiful no matter what your physical appearance is (although, admittedly, I don't think anyone would argue with your exterior beauty as well)." So no, I don't think it was a mistake...I'm glad I allowed myself to feel in a way I haven't in quite some time, and I'm glad I allowed myself to tell him that I felt...something I didn't do with the last man who mattered to me.
Ultimately, I guess I figured if/when things ended, it'd be on good terms. I was certain we'd part friendly, though not as friends, because come on...does that ever work? I'm both entirely shocked and entirely unsurprised. I'll bet you never knew it was possible to be both at the same time...well, it is. I made a choice to trust when I knew I was probably being foolish. I'd do it again in a heartbeat. Probably even for him. What does this say about me?
Jess,
ReplyDeleteYou're a beautiful and smart, funny, talented loving woman and any man would be lucky to have you. He's a fool. I hope things work out the way you want them to but you know what I think of him and you know you didn't do anything wrong. Its better to trust and look like a fool than to run away or push people away. You deserve better and I know you'll get it someday.
~HUGS~
i'm sorry that he turned out to be a dude and not a man. but mostly i'm sorry you feel this badly.
ReplyDeleteI agree with both the previous comments. I am sorry that you ache, I hope, eventually, it turns into a good ache.
ReplyDelete