Or a happy camper, or whatever noun you want to throw in there, really.
I really really like who I am these days. A lot of people would read that and probably think its weird to say it, but I haven't liked myself for most of my life. Sure, I've liked some things about me and disliked others, but deep inside there's just been a self-loathing that overshadowed anything good I may see or feel about who I was. Its really difficult to pinpoint when this shift took place or who I was before versus now. I still have the same personality (err...sparkling personality, that is), I still have the same gut reactions to most events, I still look the same (ok I'm smaller than I used to be, but I have been this size before). Yet there's an extremely deep change somewhere in my heart or head or both that makes me smile about the person I am today. Even on my bad days.
*I love that I feel healthier and that I'm leading a much more active and health-conscious lifestyle.
* I also love that I still eat whatever I want, because lets face it: you don't get to be my size without loving food and I really don't want to have to stop loving food just to be healthy.
* I love that my initial reaction to challenging events, though still often quite a crazy internal reaction, is not the one I feel required to "go with" anymore. I still fear rejection, I still feel like I need to scramble to fix things anytime I feel someone may be unhappy with me (deservedly or not), and I still think horrible thoughts towards the way my body looks. The difference is that I can acknowledge those immediate thoughts and then actually step back, breathe, and see things more rationally.
* I love that Gregory and I are having an awesome year with each other relationship-wise. The love between us, sometimes hard to see through all the hurt, anger, and disappointment on both sides, is shining so clearly lately it just swells my heart. Not too shabby when you consider he's a moody teenager!
* I love that I am a resilient person. I can handle the rough spots in life (and sometimes these are REALLY rough spots) with a sense of control and optimism rather than feeling defeated and pessimistic.
* I love spending time with friends that are one of God's biggest blessings to me. Female and male alike, I am surrounded by some of the most incredible people I could imagine.
* I love that I've started reconnecting with family that's loving, supportive, genuine, and (best of all) that share my sense of humor! Though most live in Utah and I am here, they manage to make it seem like they are just next door.
So, on Saturday I was hanging out with a certain man I am especially fond of. We talked a lot, as we always do, and at one point he said something that about made my jaw drop in shock. He said, "you have been extremely tolerant of me." You see, we are moving along at a fairly slow pace, and we don't talk every day (sometimes for 2 or 3 days). In the past this pace would have been something I could not accept (due to my OWN insecurity and need to constantly be reminded that I am wanted). Anyway, when he said that to me, I almost laughed because my initial thought was, "Bwaaaahahaha! Tell that to my ex-boyfriends!" I seriously doubt that in the past "tolerant" would EVER be a word a man would use to describe me. "Needy, insecure, clingy, codependent," would be more likely choices. The best part? I'm not having to try really hard to be tolerant. Its easy because he's worth it...and because I know that I am pretty awesome and if it doesn't work out with him, it will with someone else down the road. :)
Another thing he said was, "I'm so glad we can talk like this." I don't want to get into what that means other than that we don't always say what the other wants to hear, even when a white lie would be the easy option. We have some serious open and honest communication, the likes of which I've never experienced with a man before. Ever. I about melted when he said that because I was thinking the exact same thing. Its not cheesy when he says it either, because the overwhelming tone of RELIEF in his voice makes it clear that this is not a corny line, its an honest observation.
I like me. I really like me. ;)
Wonderful Post. I read this earlier in the afternoon and I have been thinking about it a lot. I Love all your Love Statements and the 3rd one reminded me a lot of myself. I suffered with anxiety and went through two different types of counseling and I remember having to write down all my thoughts- it was amazing how many of those thoughts were negative and blatantly false and irrational. I feel like such an adult now (10 years later) that I really gaining the ability to catch myself thinking dumb stuff about myself or what I imagine others might think of me, and I am able to laugh and recognize that it just isn't true. Life is much more fun when I am not sabotaging myself. I like that about myself now.
ReplyDeleteI like you too!
I just learned that those initial reactions are misjudged anyway. Sometimes you need those extra moments to mull over it and sometimes you don't need to react at all...
ReplyDelete